The Blog Post I Never Wanted to Write

I never wanted to be in this club. I never wanted to write this. Writing, however, is how I cope. I don't expect everyone to do this, nor do I expect anyone to share with me. That is for each mommy to decide.

*Trigger warning to those who have gone through a miscarriage or get squeamish with some bloody details...

You have probably guessed by now, but we lost baby Davis #3, and it happened about a month ago. In fact, I found out four weeks ago today. We were so excited for this one! Had practically planned everything and timed everything so well (Minus a pandemic we didn't know was coming)! Due date was in November, right around Thanksgiving! Tax break and everything! My mother in law had bought me cute maternity wear! We were going to have a cute announcement planned for Star Wars day and everything. Instead, a week before the announcement, I watched heartbroken as the poor technician searched and searched for a heartbeat after having harder cramps than normal and bleeding that morning. 

I didn't ask about the heartbeat. I couldn't bring myself to even speak, knowing from previous experience the baby should be moving around by now and seeing how small baby was. It felt cruel. Just a week and a half earlier, I had seen my happy baby with a perfectly normal heartbeat on the screen. It didn't seem fair. One of the nurses took me to a room, and I just sat there and cried. I think they knew, and I was left alone for a bit just trying to come to grip with reality. The nurse came in and checked vitals, asked some questions, and left. The doctor came in shortly after and broke the news to me. "I'm so sorry, the ultrasound tech was not able to find a heartbeat and baby was measuring about eight weeks." I should have been 10 weeks and a few days. The baby had measured exactly on schedule the last time I had gone in at exactly 8 weeks and 4 days. 8 weeks and 4 days. That number is stuck in my head because it had been exact, and that meant I had lost the baby within a few days of that ultrasound. My stomach felt sick and I was choking back sobs. 

I texted JD the words I never ever wanted to say. "We lost the baby." 

We lost the baby and all the hopes and dreams that had come with our sweet little one. We would never get to hold the baby or watch them grow up. We would never get to see who they looked like more, JD or me. We'd never get to see if baby had his personality, mine, or a completely different personality. We didn't even get to find out if baby was a boy or a girl. 

I couldn't pray, but my heart cried to God, and I knew He heard me. I knew His heart broke with mine. In a perfect world, this overwhelming pain wouldn't exist, and joy would be made full. But for now, we have to live in this broken world with so much pain and heartache in all sorts of forms. It didn't take long to think about how my baby would be held in Jesus's arms and having a much easier life than I'd ever have. I had to remember God's faithfulness to me, even in the midst of this horrendous storm.

All this was flowing through my head as I talked to the doctor about different options I didn't want to even think about. Did I want this to go naturally? Did I want some medication to start the cramps and the process of miscarriage? Did I want a D and C? It's amazing I was even able to answer. The sweet doctor made it seem so much easier to even think of this painful process. We decided to see if it would start naturally since I'd already had cramping and some bleeding but to take the medication if I didn't start by the next day. 

I went home and met JD at the house. I could see the tears in his eyes as we hugged. Why??? This hurt so much. We just held each other for several minutes as the reality set in together. I took it easy in a haze the rest of the day. Mom and Dad came over to make sure I was okay. Mom and I talked for a long time both about the baby and nothing in particular. We talked for hours I'm sure, but it only seemed like a few minutes. My sister Kylie took care of the kids and so did her boyfriend Jacob. It was a family effort, and I'm so thankful. My mother in law Robyn checked in on me since she was further away and made sure JD was okay as well. JD held me and loved on me all day. We held each other. We would fight this grief together. We each handle it differently, but it didn't make our grief any less valuable than the other's. 

My eyes were rubbed raw from crying that day.

The next day, there was blood. So much blood. And cramps. Like a mini labor. I was numb. So emotionally numb. My mom said it was something God used to protect us when the pain was just too much. It made it possible to get through that awful, bloody day. I even worried I might need to go to the ER since I was worried about hemorrhaging. I'm so thankful I didn't see any body parts. I don't think I could have made it... 

The idea of having to flush my baby down the toilet felt so wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to look for anything to bury. I couldn't stomach it either way. After several bloody flushes later, things started to slow down. I'm so glad I just couldn't feel much of anything at the time. I was more irritated than normal, but that was it. 

The next few weeks were hard. I threw myself into my sister's beautiful wedding, and I did everything but try to think about what happened. I played video games, I watched TV shows, and I stopped talking a lot. It wasn't necessarily shame, it was just more of a defense mechanism. I tried writing this blog post a week after the fact, and I just couldn't finish it. The first part you read was just plain ol' raw emotion. Having social distancing and a pandemic going on at the time didn't help either. 

I had to delete Facebook off my phone for several weeks. Every new baby picture and every pregnancy announcement was like a punch to the gut. I was so happy for them, and who knows maybe how difficult their own battles were. But I couldn't do it. Honestly, I'm still having a hard time seeing new baby things. I downloaded What to Expect app when I first found out, and even though I deleted it off my phone, and even though I tried to unsubscribe, my email is still full of baby stuff. 

Adding insult to injury, my pregnancy hormones decided to stick around for weeks, and I had to go in repeatedly for blood work at my OBGYN to make sure it was going down. A pang would hit my heart every time I saw a pregnant woman or heard "CONGRATULATIONS!" I would never wish this on my greatest enemy, that was how painful this was. Several times after leaving the OBGYN, I would cry my eyes out in my car. 

Mother's Day this year was harder as well. I am so incredibly thankful for the babies I do have. If you read my Instagram post, you may have detected a bit of bittersweet joy. This loss has made me realize just how much of a miracle my babies are, but the knowledge that one was missing hit harder than a bag of bricks. It doesn't matter if you already have babies. This was still a baby you had been planning and dreaming for. They would have had their own personality and dreams and talents. They would have brought their own unique love to the family.

Would... That's a hard word... Would have... So much potential that I didn't get to see. And it broke my heart into a little million pieces.

I'm so thankful for the women who came up beside me, who walked with  me every step of the way. I heard many stories of loss, and it made it feel like I wasn't as alone as I felt. One of my sweet friends who I consider a mentor brought me flowers for my baby. 

Another sweet friend sent me a devotional that I finally brought myself to read. It is so incredibly sweet, and it is really helping me face my grief. 

This is Loved Baby by Sarah Philpott, PhD. So good! And the verse I wrote down is Isaiah 40:31.

I've spoke to many women who have loved on me and prayed for me. I'm still coming to terms with this loss. JD and I both are. We did come up with a name for our little one. Since we didn't get to find out the gender, we decided on Scout. We decided on this name for many reasons. It's a fun and unique name, and it's as if our baby is "Scouting" out in front of us into eternity. 

What makes me cry every time I think about it is reaching heaven one day, and seeing my child run towards me, arms open wide! "Hi, Mom! Remember me? I'm Scout! I've been waiting for you!"And then I would get to hear all about what they've learned and how much they can't wait to show me everything! That will be the day. But until that day, I will have to wait patiently, and treasure my babies I have here on Earth as well. I will fight the good fight. I will run the race. But my heart longs for the days of eternity with, Lord willing, my entire family together living the way God had always intended. 

This is how I picture Jesus with my baby. I couldn't find the artist, so hopefully I'm not breaking copyright here... This was just too precious not to share. 

Miscarriage is a lot more common than many realize. Depending on what statistics you look at, it happens to 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 pregnancies. That's a lot. Like I said, every woman handles it differently. Your experience may not be the same as mine. And Lord willing, may those reading this never have to experience this if they haven't already. If you do end up facing this, feel free to message me! We can grieve and pray together. 

Through it all, I am thankful for God. This is not the first, nor will it be my last dark pit in my life. This world is fallen and broken. We experience the pain of sin every day, whether it be directly or indirectly. Sometimes things happen that seem to have no rhyme or reason. Another one of my friends sent me this song written after the singer herself went through a miscarriage. I've heard it many times before, but it hits even harder now. Thy will be done. He has seen me through many other trials and tribulations, what's to say He won't see me through this one as well? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw

Lord willing, we will try again, and hopefully we will have the joy of bringing another Davis into the family. They will not be a replacement, but a promise. Even if it doesn't happen, I will praise Him! For He is good! I cannot stop singing of His faithfulness to me in my almost 29 years here on this Earth. We still have hopes to adopt one day as well! They will be just as much a part of our family as our biological children, and I pray for them even now. 

Keep me in your prayers, y'all. It's a hard road. Again, thank you to all of you who know and who have been so supportive! I'm so thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ especially! You keep pointing me to the One who gives me peace and eventually joy. 

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! ~Psalm 30:5

May God give you all peace,

Keri Lynn