So I've been debating on writing this post for some time now! I really want to be an encouragement to those young women (and men!) who are following after me in life and show them things can be different.
Many of you who know me personally know my dating beliefs are not the norm. I also had a kind of unconventional, but godly upbringing. As far back as I can remember, I was never allowed to date until I was ready to get married. This really didn't affect me when I was a child since I saw most boys as play pals, not a significant other. I had crushes, of course, and I believe my first crush came at either the age of nine or ten. (He was at AWANA on Wednesday nights and was super sweet!) However, something in me knew that dating at that particular age was kind of pointless anyways. Why date when you can play!?
High school was a little bit tougher when it came to guys. I still had my crushes, and it was becoming a lot more of a desire to find "the one." I could have gone behind my parents' backs and dated a guy. (I may or may not have a sibling who has done just that...) However, when I looked around at all the relationships around me, I decided dating was not for me at that time. I would see heartbreak after heartbreak in either friends, acquaintances, and sometimes complete strangers! A lot of them you could just see the train wreck approaching. Also, the boys I knew in high school were exactly that - boys. Some of them were on the right track to become men, but most were going to be stuck in constant boyhood unable to put another person before themselves. I decided to wait for a man. Also, looking back, I wasn't ready for a relationship at that time myself. I was still a girl in many, many ways, and I wanted to be ready for when the time was right! I know people who claim they were ready in high school, and they may very well have been, but I was not.
In college, I knew that I pretty much had free reign to date even though it wasn't explicitly stated by my parents. I was an adult now and could make my own decisions. And as an adult, I decided not to date for another couple of years. I made many friends, men and women, in college, and even had some possible relationships open up. However, I knew neither I nor those guys were right for me. Here were some of the reasons why: 1.) We had opposing view points even though we got along grandly, 2.) Our personalities did not mesh (not saying opposites can't attract, just that some don't get along), 3.) His faith did not match mine (Jesus is the most important thing to me, and if He's not to you, than we will crash and burn.), 4.) He did not pursue and/or was immature. If God was willing to chase after us I think a man should be willing to chase after you as well. That's not to say we women can't help the men along the way, but that at some point, men should be willing to take the lead.
Let me take a moment to focus on how I grew as a Christian before meeting my future husband. I am a firm believer in the fact that men should not be the only ones growing and maturing. When I was in high school, I had a crisis of faith, and I didn't know it at the time, but I was dealing with clinical depression. God felt so far away, and I was faced with the reality that I could no longer depend upon my emotions to sense God's presence and "feel" close to Him. In a way, this was one of the best things that happened to me because it made me dive in deeper with my Lord and Savior and inadvertently prepared me to be a better wife. I was in the word twice a day and holding closer to Him than I ever had before. I also read a book called Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy that helped me focus on my relationship with Christ instead of the relationships this world has to offer. I learned that Jesus really, truly is my best friend and I could depend upon Him for ANYTHING. A man will and has failed me, but the Lord remains forever true.
I am part of the bride of Christ first and foremost.
I'm also a big fan of courtship. (Yes, I hear you groaning in the background.) However, I am a firm believer that sometimes it doesn't work out, and that's okay! I love Joshua Harris's books I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. A lot of people don't seem to know about the second book, and I wish they would read it. It gives great advice for the current dating world and culture and actually gives you the author's story of how he met his wife! This topic can be so controversial, but I wish people would approach it with an air of grace given the fact that this whole dating thing isn't even mentioned in the Bible. The beauty of it all is that we do have a choice in the matter, and we can mess it up or use it correctly. I also believe prayer is vital no matter what you believe if you are a Christian. (As well as a few obvious clear ringers in the Bible - no sex before marriage, no marrying when you are unequally yoked, and living as an example to those around you.) I also think there is just something so sweet about a man taking time to pursue you with the idea of possible marriage. It's exciting and romantic! It doesn't have to be scary or ludicrous. If it doesn't work out, it will hurt. Believe it or not, JD and I did break up for about a week over a core issue that was not something you could compromise over, and one of us had to either change our view or it wouldn't have worked out. And that week was awful, so I do know the feeling of heartbreak. Luckily God gave me the peace to handle it and gave us wise people around us to help aid us on our course.
Let me share a sweet part of our story here. Ever since I met JD, I thought he was cute. Almost two years later, we were talking about music and Star Wars and I thought about him being a possible love interest. Went onto Facebook and saw he was in a relationship... Nevermind. (Ironically, JD is now a huge proponent of courtship and only dating when you're ready to get married!) I decided to let that one go and just continue on with my life. It wasn't till several months later, and that relationship closed, that JD started getting interested in me. He says the moment he truly started becoming interested in me was when I did a Ti-fighter rock handshake with our Pastor Jerry one Wednesday night during Bible Study. (See, Star Wars! In his exact phrasing, "Wow, she knows what a Ti-fighter is! I most know this female!") We started talking at a Car Wash we were doing as a fundraiser for a friend. He found out about where I would run, and lo and behold, who did I see running a few days later but JD himself! (Shirtless, I might add...) His love for Jesus and his hunger for the word has always attracted me to him. This was a guy I could spend the rest of my life with! He even asked my dad to DATE me, which is practically unheard of in this day and age!
The day he asked Dad if he could date me. :)
Now we are far from perfect people, and if I could go back, I would tell myself that no man would ever match up to my idea of perfectionism. That was something I had to constantly lay down at my Savior's feet. I had grown up with this vision of marrying a pastor/missionary with a fire but also the willingness to settle down and have a family and someone who would be like me but not exactly like me... You see where I'm going with this? JD and I have had our own struggles, and we are still imperfect people trying to make sense of the other. (haha) He has challenged me in so many ways, and I have done the same for him. He is merciless at times but one of the hardest workers I have ever seen! I am compassionate to a fault, and my backbone has not always been the strongest. We are learning to balance each other out as well as encourage each other to grow in the areas we are weakest in. All the while still trying to keep God in the center and seeking Him and other godly council to help us grow.
He's got awesome discipline! He often places in his age group if not gets first in most races!
I can't tell you how many discussions I've had on this topic with people. Some of them I wish I could go back and maybe not make it so idealistic and perfect. However, am I sorry I dated the way I did? Nope. Not one bit. I want to approach this topic in humility though because I have seen where pride can get you, and it's not pretty! It's funny, even as an engaged woman I was told that I did it all wrong. But I am so glad I did not have to go through a lot of the heartache and pain so many of my peers have gone through just to get to the right guy. I propose you do not have to go through all that heartbreak and can use wisdom instead! There is so much to learn on this planet, so why not learn it before you have to go through it? Just because you are inexperienced doesn't mean you can't have wisdom. The inexperienced are only foolish when they do not listen to the council of the wise. (Proverbs in the Bible is awesome by the way!)
And to top it all off, I saved my first kiss for my wedding day! (GASP!) I know right? Totally crazy! I get that a lot. ;) I wanted to save something special for my husband that would just be for us and no one else, and why not save your kiss? And contrary to popular belief, you do not need practice beforehand to enjoy kissing your significant other, just sayin. If y'all have any questions or want to discuss the topic, please feel free to message me, call me, or leave a comment!
The perfect first kiss. :)
Peace to you all!
Keri Lynn
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